Dear Full Life Friends,
I have shared so much with you about this journey with my dad that I feel it is important to share this celebration time with you too. Yoga is a life practice on and off the mat. A practice of presence. And this is what I am present with right now.
I am sitting in Mom and Dad’s bedroom, where I also teach yoga when in Colorado. I am sitting where Dad’s hospice bed was, looking out on their blooming rock garden.
In October, days before he died, he asked us to have his celebration of life in the spring, when the garden was blooming, and people would be ready to celebrate his life instead of mourn his death.
And here we are. Bill the gardener and his crew are helping mom prepare the yard. I remember when Bill heard about my dad he was very sad. My dad asked to have him come into the bedroom so they could talk. My dad thought of Bill as an incredible artist– who had transformed their yard from lawn to a more sustainable, beautiful desert garden. And my dad will be honored if Bill attends his memorial.
Colin is in the kitchen making coffee before beginning his workday remotely from my dad’s office. We went hiking in the Colorado National Monument yesterday and I couldn’t help but imagine my dad and his dog hiking these same hills 70 years ago… And now, here is his grandson hiking below the same sandstone cliffs. There is a river of life flowing here. My dad isn’t gone, he is transforming.
The desert is in bloom after so much rain this winter and spring. The pink and yellow cactus flowers unfold atop their prickly bodies in the morning while Izzy and I walk. There are bursts of yellow and washes of orange. And two days ago a coyote and I watched each other for three minutes before Izzy realized she was there.
This is a wild and beautiful landscape, where we see time carving unique sculptures with rain and ice and wind. And the little town my dad grew up in spreads into a city in the valley below. Change is a constant– and if we want to live fully we learn to flow with change.
Mom keeps looking at the weather forecast which changes each day. Wednesday now has a 40% chance of rain with lightning. The rainstorms tend to come in the afternoon- and our celebration is from 1 to 4 PM. Usually this is a predictable time of year for the weather– sunny and not too hot. But nothing seems to be predictable these days- so we are asked to be adaptable. If we have standing room only inside the house, then people may get to know each other even better Mom said with a sigh.
Right now the sun is out and the sky is blue. My daughter is still asleep in the other room. The kids arrived yesterday around noon, famished. I am really happy they are willing to spend this week with their grandma and me.
I do want this to be a celebration. Some friends who cannot attend, have already written to us about Dad. Colin and I were discussing what we will say and how hard it will be not to cry.
My student Kathy gave mom and I books when Dad died. Right now I am reading Who Dies by Stenphen and Ondrea Levine. I am just in the first chapter and they ask us to consider who is this “I” we are so ready to define? This “I” we limit with certain characteristics and emotions? The definitions of self and the emotions come and go– who is it that is experiencing these definitions and emotions. When we die, who is it that truly dies? And is there some conscious part of us, in life and in death that is not contained by this body, this mind, these emotions?
Yes, I believe there is. That communal “I” united my dad and I on early ski days and hikes in the mountains when I was young. That self that isn’t limited by definitions– “Yoga teacher,” “Daughter,” “Mom,” “Mourner,” “Skier…”
Like my dad, I am not sure where we go after we die. I do know he is still here inside me, inside all those his life touched. And sometimes I think his still visits in other ways. As Izzy and I were walking a few nights ago a red-tinted rainbow dropped out of the clouds in front of us. I keep seeing red trails behind jets, and now this red rainbow tail right out of the clouds. He told us he may come back as a red-tailed hawk. Perhaps it is my own longing to still be connected. And perhaps it is my mischievous dad saying hello with many different “red tails.” And really it doesn’t matter– I do feel the energy beyond the “I” and I know that he did too.
So I will bring all this with me into today’s yoga and qigong. And the class will be a celebration of our shared energy and the beauty of the many different landscapes we inhabit. I hope to see some of you in classes today and tomorrow. And thank you for your understanding that I will miss Wednesday through Friday. Youtube has many videos. And I linked three recent videos to the classes on the website. Just go as if you are going to class and you will be “Zoomed” to the video Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. And you can continue to attend those three all weekend :-).
If you want a variety, go to Full Life Yoga Studio Youtube channel. If you don’t mind, please subscribe to my channel- you can do this anonymously. And if you like the video, please press the thumbs up or leave a comment. There are playlists for the different classes and even some shorter videos.
And if you would like another Zoom opportunity next week, there will be a foot & knee workshop on Tuesday, 3 to 4 PM. In this class we will look at how good mechanics of the feet support our knees. We will understand the relationship more closely. and will see how working on foot alignment and movement in yoga can positively impact our knees in poses, exercises and daily life.
I thank you all for being a part of this Full Life family, however you join in with your unique and shared energy. I hope you can celebrate your own life this week and the lives of those you love.
Much Love,
Tracy